Love , Faith and a little popping candy

 My Beloved  Daughter ,

The year before you were born I had told Appa that this would be our last try for a baby. Your brother had kept asking for a sister for some years, ( five to be exact and he did not realise what he was asking). 

I just prayed it would be  a girl. Since we don’t do gender scans here in India we would not know until you were born. I told my gynaecologist that I would trouble them on a Sunday and right enough eating too many waffle ice creams made it happen one Sunday evening. 

Appa went shopping almost a week later and came home with a T-shirt that said “here comes trouble”. In the 18 years since, you have been your fair share of trouble , but I would not have missed it for the world.

An independent , quietly confident , often exasperating child we have had our fair share of disagreements but you have always been some one who speaks her truth and believes in herself. And made us always believe in you.

As you step into a new chapter in your life  Appa and I wish you well and want the best for you. This last year in school with all that is happening in the world,your life has been turned upside down. You have had to adjust to a new way of schooling, have challenges in terms of taking exams and classes, disappointments that made you feel sad, bitter and angry all at the same time. Std 13 was meant to be the year you get to be the best . You have roles of responsibility,  prefect ship and the chance of acting and directing your class drama. None of this happened . The reality of a pandemic, staying  safe , losing people you knew and watching things unfold made things feel surreal. You were in quarantine more time than you wished, had far more COVID tests than the rest of us and even final good byes were missed . 

I wish I could have wished it all away but I can’t. Life goes on.

As you step out now into this future you dream of for yourself I hope to leave you with some thoughts.

These three things  I wish for you. Love , Faith and Popping Candy

LOVE 

This is the one thing that binds us together as family and as human beings. When we were teens we had this cute couple that was on everything and had the words Love is... You could fill up the sentence with whatever you wanted. Love is like that , it fills the dark places in your heart. Love yourself first, don’t ever see yourself as someone who doesn’t deserve anything. Dream big and go for it. Remember that when you believe in you , that’s when the journey starts. You are stronger, more courageous and more beautiful than you think you are and it’s not beauty on the outside. Find your strengths and find people who will uplift you, People who will stand by you and who love you , warts and all. Love is that thing we all want . It Can be a hug ,a smile  a whisper.  It can hold you close and often shut out the world.

As family we will love you no matter what. You know you have a shoulder to lean on and a lap to lie on whenever you need it. We will be there even if we disagree. Remember that. Love is that quilt that keeps you warm on a chilly night. A star that reminds you that home is not too far away and hand that holds on tightly wherever you go.

Faith

Have faith in yourself. Have Faith in God .Know He is there and that it is faith that keeps us going even when the road ahead is winding and unclear. It is Faith that has given me the strength for each day and my prayer for you is that you too will find it. 

Faith is often stepping out into the unknown, knowing that your life and it’s purpose has been already planned for you. Trust God to know that when he shuts one door another will open. Even in the darkest days He will carry you. 

Faith can be tested and often found wanting in us because we so often want to be part of the crowd rather than on our own but sometimes Faith is all you will have .Hold on to it like a swimmer who is sinking. It’s your life jacket when troubled times surround us. 

Be reassured that He will not leave you rudderless. Make him captain of the ship and you will definitely be able to steer in the biggest of storms.

Popping Candy

When you guys were small this was a sure treat. A packet of popping Candy.  The faces you would make as they crackled inside your mouth. Different flavours and distinct ones as well.

Life is a packet of popping Candy. You can be adventurous and try everything or you can take it one flavour at a time. Wether it’s the people who you meet , the places you visit or the things you decide to do make it as colourful as you are. 

I have watched you grow,  from a little girl who sang with gusto to a young lady who  knows what she wants.The confidence, that strength of character is what defines you. 

There’s a whole new world awaiting you and I hope you grab it with both hands. 

Appa and I are very proud of who you have become and we wait eagerly as you takes those first steps into your future. May it be all that you wish for and more. 

I want to leave you with words from the poem “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann 1927 

Read it when you get the time and inclination.The words are timeless.

And I quote “And whether or not it is clear to you ,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations , in the noisy confusion of life,keep peace in your soul . With all its sham , drudgery  and broken dreams , it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy”.

Congratulations!!

❤️❤️❤️

Looking at life in lockdown

This year has not been easy on any of us. 

I dont think even the greatest minds forsaw  this pandemic. It has changed the world forever. Changed how we see people, changed our perceptions and given us an oppurtunity to redeem ourselves from the things we lost. 

While we did achieve success in bringing some families the time they needed to renew bonds , it has pushed the boundaries of mental health and the need to be able to support healthcare and elderly.

Taking a page out of my own life I found myself constantly  filled with anxiety. I was more aware of the fact that we had two older people  that needed constant reassurance of what was happening around them , to their loss of freedom and meeting with family or friends ,and the sudden death of a relative or friend made them scared and shaky. 

Of the many people I know who have been affected by the  Covid 19, many have already passed on. We do not choose how we die , either the manner or the way we go. We pray we are surrounded by those we love. Corona has robbed us of even that leaving people at the mercy of machine. Often isolated and very alone.

What was it about this pandemic that made us aware of how frail or short a life can be. 

We lost a lot of people along the way, some to covid 19 and many to other non respiratory problems,and because of lockdown proceedures in place we had to suffice with a phone conversation of condolence that means so little in comparison to that warm embrace, that touch of hand , that small moment of intimacy that makes the other person real. 

Just last week my father's younger brother passed away. We could not visit when he was in hospital nor go for the funeral. We got a link on Google meet that gave us a peek into the cemetery service. It saddened me immensely that we had to grieve in isolation.  

A few months ago the friend who's wife passed away early this year called me in the early morning to say he felt uneasy and could I call for an ambulance. 

Our little town has just one ambulance and I  don't think the service is good in that I called a number of times and my call was left unattended.  Realising when he spoke I felt he was having a heart attack I told my husband and son to get ready and go get him to the hospital. They brought him immediately,  he lives around  6 kilometres away from us . 

Anyway we found he had felt uneasy as early as four in the morning but felt it was impolite to call me so early. I am an early bird and am usually up by that time. He had to be taken to the plains as our hospital has just essential care. God's grace he made it through and though surgery is out of question  he is now with family.  

I later found that the ambulance service was not being used for non Covid cases and we had to get the hospital to send one up to take him down. 

His family were so upset that he had not said a word of how he was feeling but we heard that he was missing his wife and living on his own had added to the depression and stress of having to manage himself.  

He called me today and his voice no longer sounded feeble but strong and though he may be bored and not in his comfort zone I pray the time he spend with people he loves and who love him back will be medicine enough.

Life has a way of grouping us together like dissimilar parts, each one distinct from the other yet part of the main and as we struggle to hold together it is this bond  , this sense of family that makes us want to try and make it all work.

It's gotten colder here in the hills and winter is approaching faster than last year or the years before. It seems the year has gone by without much being achieved in terms of work and success.  As farmers we carry on , no pandemic can stop the harvest and though we have had difficulty in labour, we have carried on for hungry people need to eat and work to feed families. Countries   and leaders  did not give these people a chance. 

The season has been good , the rains ample and we look forward to a good season of coffee and pepper.

So as I close on my wondering I hope your life has been less stressful and been days of joy spent with Family . 

I remember reading my son a poem about family when he was a little boy of family being compared to a quilt ,of different colours and shapes. I would like to think my family is a quilt too , and it's the one that keeps me the warmest.

As, the words of the song goes "let's make a toast to the ones that we lost on the way" and hold on to those memories  . Raise your coffee cups high and Salut.

 

Family

I haven't been able to write for a while
So much has happened in such a small time and there has not been enough effort gone into seeking time out for oneself. Not when the scramble of other people and their problems eat into your own.
When I moved to town I was not looking for an easy way out, I did not have a clue that I would have to give up more than I bargained for....that every move forward was ten steps in all other directions that left me confused, irritable and more often than not depressed and dejected.

Caregivers are supposed to be people who are emotionally and mentally strong. They overcome every challenge and rise to the occasion unlike me who wanted to lock myself in a room or run as far away as I could, of course with no return. Running away was not a solution. Giving up was not either simply because we had made a decision to move together,  a decision that would impact us in ways we would not imagine.

While I write this today, it has  been three years since that first line. 

While thoughts ran haphazardly in my mind I was unable to string them into written words. 

In many ways I have learned to adapt and put up.The resentment and frustration is less and I am more at peace. I have stopped listening to the voices around me. I do what is right and what is good for me . If that sounds selfish I beg to differ, my reasoning being if I am well and happy I can make sure my family is too. 

Recently a friends wife passed away. They lived here in our little town, children all grown and family far away.  She had a heart attack early one morning and he was alone. His daughter somhow got a e pass to come for the funeral.  It was friends who rallied around and were there for him. His daughter told me she was taking him to her place once lockdown was over. He had some unfinished  construction work to do. She said loneliness would be hard on him. Earlier that day he had told us he would have to move, " my chapter here is over " was his words. Coping with grief, learning to do chores and have no one to share your thoughts with will be so difficult for him. I saw him a couple of days ago and found he had lost weight. His daughter checks in every day but I  think he will be better off with Family.  Yes, he will have to make changes. He will have to give up on some things but sacrifices are to be made both sides. The important thing is that he is with people who love and cherish him. They may have difference of opinion,  disagreements but they are family and as family they will love and support him no matter what.  

These last two years have been hard for us as a family.  We left what is familiar,  left what we controlled and moved to be handed rules we did not want to follow. We had to adjust to a new way and every step forward meant a tussle. Luckily I have a family that supports me and so they did what family does ,they smoothed the way, comforted and let me rant without criticising, or offering advice and I have slowly learnt to be a better person. I have my faults , there are no saints in my house but there are signs of peace and happiness.  

Life gives you enough mountains to climb without you adding to them. You need to be in some happy place so that the joy within you overflows. You can then share that joy. 

Lockdown has added to the strain but we can overcome. 

Care givers are overworked everywhere and I humbly accept I am not that kind of nurse but I will not let you go, I will not let you be alone in those last years of your life. I will love you as best I can and care for you the same way.

It is  a two way street and once the other person accepts that you are there to help and does not see you as a obstacle then life is sweeter. 

 You do not want to live with regrets and guilt. Family is all we have while we live .

Coffee and  I  have had some bittersweet moments but it is the first thing I need every morning.  

Nothing like making a cup ,and sitting in the moments before the rest of the world awakes and just recharging yourself for the day.

This year I tried some new world coffees. Ethiopian, Guatemalan ,but I always come back to the strong flavour of home. 

Home sweet home 

Mojo.

My last blog was about Tenali, who we lost last October. This one is on Mojo


The year Tenali turned one,a black Doberman puppy came into our lives.
Scrawny and with dull coat he could barely stand when his stomach was full but he was lovable and energetic and a absolute beauty once he filled out and  got stronger.
Food was his weakness and he loved the freedom on the estate. Tenali and he would chase the babblers and mynas as they fed each evening sending them screeching into the air. He hated termite mounds and would attack them ferociously.
He was a great bison chaser too. There was an invisible line or fence that ran around the house that they were not to cross. If they did he would bark incessantly until I went out and shone my torchlight. There was no set time and the bison would either come as a herd or the one solitary bull....and they sought the green grass of our lawn.
One night the barking got so much that I went out to see and found the bull to be on our drive very close to the house. He did not take much notice of mojo who pranced around him , other than occasionally snort and try to toss him but he did not  take to me shining the light in his eyes and yelling "go away! I need my sleep" .He angrily tossed his great big head and moved away but Mojo  was not happy as he was still within the imagined fence. He ran up to me to tell me that and so i told him that the bull was gone and he could go back to his room. As I spoke I took a couple of steps towards his room which was in the direction of the drive... I shone the torch to show Mojo there was nothing there and to my horror found Mr bull just behind the room. Luckily the room is fenced around it and I quickly ran into it in case the bull decided he wanted to chase the dog. So much for bravery.
Mojo also loved taking thingsthat did not belong to him.I was not able to keep any thing out on the veranda,be it knick knacks or slippers. They would go missing by morning and he would be hiding it in his little room.
We would often laugh and say if we had a Christmas tree decorated outside we would find the serial lights and decorations in his room😅

It's funny how much animal pets become so much a part of you.They know you so very well, your moods , your likes and even how to play to the gallery.
Each morning we had a routine,since mojo was out all night he would be put in his room by 5,30 am and Tenal would get out for a bit.
They stopped being roommates once Mojo decided he would take a piece of Tenali's ear as a souvenir.
Each dog had a couple of hours out to roam the estate and loll around the house.
While Mojo made his time out working up a froth chasing monkeys and termites and often enough scorpions and snakes. For each he had a different bark. I must tell you this story about him and a king cobra

One evening while I was watching television  mojo started to bark. It was a warning bark ,one he used for snakes and scorpions. I came out into the garden and found him barking at a Zambia plant. It was about 3 feet high,and had thorny leafy stems.  I went round the bush and found nothing,he however was jumpy and snapped at the flowers the plant had at its root. I went back in to hear him barking again. I came out, took a large stick gave the Bush a couple of whacks and told him he was making a nuisance of himself.  Went back in and he started agsin. By then i was quite mad and came out in time to see him trying to leap at the bush.  I could not see much in the evening light and went closer ...he leapt higher and barked angrily. I was like "What are you barking at...." and then like a periscope on top of the bush I saw the hood. Boy ! It sent shivers . It was watching his every move and bobbing it's head, getting ready to strike. Having lost dogs to snake bites I knew I had to get him away.
That week he had lost his brand new collar and I had to literally drag him like a wwf fighter. I then had to chase the snake away.
That was one scary day.
It's funny that most dogs only want to attack the venomous snakes....5 to 10 feet ones.

Mojo was a electric mix of fun , naughtiness and energy. He could raise your spirit in a jiffy. The antics he pulled are legendary.
He had a habit of carrying his blanket wherever he slept. Sometimes when he was mad at the other dogs he would shake his blanket in such a  fury that it would bear testimony to his anger by being a ragged , barely there bit of cotton and barely cover his butt but he would lovingly carry it and snooze in the sun. I finally ended up giving him an old sack . They kept their square shape for less than a day🤣

Mojo didn't make it through this year.
He suddenly began to lose weight and looked poorly.
Since we relocated we left him on the estate so he would enjoy freedom but I  think freedom takes on a new meaning when your people don't live there and come and go as they please. We brought him home  thinking he was feeling depressed but it was more than that.
Sadly the vet didn't diagnose him properly and I had no idea what was happening.  Within a  week of finally  telling us he had liver failure Mojo passed on.
I was alone with him, coaxing him to eat, keeping him warm ,nothing worked and the grief was too much to talk about.
I wanted to put him down but vets in India don't believe in taking a life no matter what the struggle. This angered me so much because he had to suffer and I couldn't help him in any way. Living miles away from anywhere doesn't help either.
I let him down. The people he trusted .....let him down.
No I will never get over this immense sadness and tears still come even as i write.
I hope he is in a happy place.
I loved him so very much. He will not be forgotten
Rest in peace 2010 - 2018.

Goodbye my Tenali

Two weeks since he passed on.
My joy ,  My beautiful friend.

I find I am lost for words. For days I mooned around the house and garden. The tears would well up without notice. I found my throat thickening and I couldn't think.
At night the tears would wet my pillow as I remembered all his antics,the fun we had together and above his loyalty and unconditional love.
A friend sent me an article "Why we need to take pet loss seriously".It put a lot into perspective...
It made me realise how much I had lost and I had every need to grieve his passing.
This year has been so hard on my family....in the space of a year we lost two much loved four legged family members.
I need to talk about them ...because it's cathartic and they were so much a part of our everyday lives.
I am sure they will take up more than one blog page but you won't get to know them if I don't describe them to you.And I must,you will love them the way we do.
Tenali,was a great dane/ dalmation mix who we got one morning when my husband was at the barber's.  He was likely the runt of the litter as he was very timid.He followed me everywhere, room to room and lay outside the bathroom, if I was in.  He was scared of anything and everything and if we were not home would go into hiding till we got back. He never cried,or growled or bared his teeth at us..Docile and very loving to family and his size belied this so most visitors would keep their distance.
When he was about three months old he was as tall as  the dining table,my little girl had just turned three and needed the chair to climb up. I had made muffins one morning and left them on the tablet to cool with instructions that did she need to eat one she should use the chair and remember to push it back.
I guess the t.v. was too interesting because when I got out out of the shower ,who do you think was sitting on the chair with a nice muffin between his giant paws but our one and only Tenali.
Family meant everything to him and he favoured afternoon tea parties with my young daughter since that allowed him into her room and a good snooze on her carpet.
He loved having the kids home and the football was his favourite .
Chasing garden lizards as they sunbathed on the hot cement yard was another pastime  with odd unlucky one getting caught.
He was a wonderful ratter and one had to just whisper "tena,tena" for him to realise there was something exciting to do.
Last year he suddenly, unexpectedly died. He was all but ten in human years.
I was gone for the morning and he was fine. By morning he was gone. To this day I have no idea what happened .
I know we miss him a lot. He made us laugh and love and play and one really couldn't get mad at him . He had the most soulful eyes and a heart so big it enveloped us all.
It's no wonder that dogs make life so much worth living.
Friends who came home would tell us,he was lucky to have got a home with us because of his timidity and his soft heart but I don't believe them .
I know we got lucky enough to have him.
We have had the most wonderful ten years. We wouldn't trade that for anything .
Go,run among the tall grasses my beautiful Tena,chase those birds and butterflies and know you were loved so very much❤❤❤

The weather has turned and it's windy and cloudy .The summer was practically non-existent. .but no worries this me and rains and flowing rivers and a hot cup of coffee to warm you....somtimes with a dash of brandy .
If mood and tears permit I will tell you more stories but right now I can't see the words for the sorrow that fills me. If you have lost a loved pet do read that article and grieve your loss. It makes for a better world,a better person

Mum's the word

"She walks in beauty,like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;  "

This poem of Lord Byron best describes her....so often I have heard people say to me..."she's so graceful." Or "we just were in awe of her "
I don't know if I were in awe but definitely she had qualities I wanted to emulate. I say some because the rest of her is crazy....her orderliness, her cleanliness, her energy....just looking at her would make me tired.
I learnt at a young age I couldn't keep up and I wouldn't try.She was she and I was  I.

She married at age seventeen, an age when we were  busy going to college and having fun with friends. Married and moved to a state that was alien in every way....culture,speech and yet she thrived. She learnt the language,to speak and read and write....in comparison I still struggle with speech..I can read to get a bus but no more .
She had four children by the time she was 26 and ran her house like a ship.
With the first mate always away there was no chance for any of us to get away with things.
If we got into trouble,she lectured a week.

 If you haven't guessed by now ....you must know I am talking about my mother.

She was someone I always admired simply because she was a doer,someone you could count on and she rarely let you down.
She had goals and dreams and she made things happen irrespective of the circumstances.
She embodied the words "When the going gets tough, the tough get going"
She started a school for toddlers way back when they didn't exist and had two kids in her school. When she decided to stop she had close to 30.
She had children of all kinds, bossy,naughty,cute,mean and by the year end they were talking in English and ready to take on the world.
She spent all her waking hours doing something ...baking some great food in a tiny racold oven and I  inviting twenty people to tea,she took a knitting class for underprivileged girls twice a week,attended bible study, and prepared a Sunday school class for under fives. She also took a class for teenage girls .
All this and being home when we got back from school to listen to our stories as well.
Her gardening skills also was tops....she grew the best roses in town and routinely  had a vase of them in our front room with one to spare for her bun on Sundays .
When we left our little town for the city ,she had to forgo the manicured lawns and roses for potted plants.
She took to sewing more and until I married she did all my blouses and my western dresses.l found her the most complicated ones and she made them.
Life was simple then. In spite of all the worries I heard her singing and laughing .
My father's death changed all this...and though she remained strong and courageous in the face of tragedy she suddenly looked older.
Of course grief took her years to accept ,to move on without the person who had been the one steady thing in her life.
I saw her broken but not beaten,sad but resilient, and through it all her faith never wavered.
This is what I learnt.. ..and this has held me to be strong for her.
If Only Dr Strange could turn back time!
I have had the privilege to know her  as mum ....and in these fifty odd years of my life got to appreciate all the sacrifices and lectures ,the words of wisdom I didn't want or need but still had to hear, the concern and worry when I am low or sick, the nudge I get when I want to say enough but she thinks no way,
I have only lived so much.....
And so this year on mother's day I want to tell you that my mother is that exceptional lady. Someone you see once in a lifetime....and I am so glad you are part of mine.
I am the better for it for I have laughed and lived it with you
Thank you Ma,
They sure broke the mould when they made you!!
Love you so very much❤❤❤

Kavi - a tribute to wonderful friend.

Chalk and cheese 

That's how different we were.

Strange how two paths  as diverse as ours , crossed  and  we became friends.

I wish I could have turned back the clock to all that we didn't get to do that we talked about,dreamt about .

I wish that among the many changes that life threw in our paths we had kept in touch....

I wish that she could have lived all those dreams a young woman has...

I wish....

But,

Life has a way of throwing curveballs when we aren't looking.

She's gone and I find myself filled with sadness and regret .

This last month has been full of it.

Let me start though at the beginning. ..

English literature freshers  -  same bus route home. The only two things we had in common.

She was quiet,ever smiling,speak when your spoken to, type, while I was the exact opposite ....ever joshing , chattering ,friendly person.

We realised we took the same bus route home and so whoever got to the bus first saved a place for the other.

Whenever she missed a class I would pass her my notes and vice versa.

We went to the British Council library together....walked together to the nearest bus stop and she would wait with me until we got a bus that we could go on together....sometimes the wait would take an hour.

We would watch nice cars go by and wish some handsome dude would give us a drop home .(never happened :( sadly)

We took the national social service the first year.Had to wear a Saree and that's the only time I saw her wear one.She was more at home in pants and shirts and it suited her well. 

On the weekends we would meet up at her aunts store .I lived a good five bus stops away.

The year "McKenna's Gold " came out we all went as a huge class group. She was sick ....so when she got well we went again. I think we saw it thrice. We both loved Clint Eastwood .

We managed to convince our families to let us go to the Gatsby at the IIT  campus. Foolishly not knowing how we would get back but knowing we would look out for each other. 

Chose our outfits carefully, even going to buy t-shirts to suit the mood. Rock and roll 80's ....tights and t - shirts and boots.

One time we went to a rock concert...again as a group and watching out for each other....both of us having brothers or cousins that were also watching us.

Unfailing over the three years that we graduated we spent so much time enjoying each other's company , waiting each day for the bus and never letting the other down.

When my father passed away the week after our last day of college she came home every day.

Somehow I  couldn't find my feet after and despite her attempts to get me out of the house ,to do a German course and to go back to college , I didn't respond. Within the next year I moved out of the city.

Life went on .....we had no communication at all so I never knew if and when she married or who .

The next I heard of her from a classmate who saw her picture in the newspaper.  

I wanted to call the number but felt sad that I had not kept in touch. The friend said she would ask her husband why none of her friends  had kept in touch.

I have no answers but I do know that very often we take diverse paths that sometimes don't cross but it doesn't mean we forget.

The memories are now bittersweet . 

Your presence  will always grace those moments that remind us of you and you will be cherished as wife,mother, daughter and friend.

I remember the words of this song,one of many that meant so much to us growing up 

    " you were loved by somebody, meant something to somebody ,touched somebody's heart along the way..."

You touched my heart Kavi , you meant a lot to me ....more than you will ever know.