Family

I haven't been able to write for a while
So much has happened in such a small time and there has not been enough effort gone into seeking time out for oneself. Not when the scramble of other people and their problems eat into your own.
When I moved to town I was not looking for an easy way out, I did not have a clue that I would have to give up more than I bargained for....that every move forward was ten steps in all other directions that left me confused, irritable and more often than not depressed and dejected.

Caregivers are supposed to be people who are emotionally and mentally strong. They overcome every challenge and rise to the occasion unlike me who wanted to lock myself in a room or run as far away as I could, of course with no return. Running away was not a solution. Giving up was not either simply because we had made a decision to move together,  a decision that would impact us in ways we would not imagine.

While I write this today, it has  been three years since that first line. 

While thoughts ran haphazardly in my mind I was unable to string them into written words. 

In many ways I have learned to adapt and put up.The resentment and frustration is less and I am more at peace. I have stopped listening to the voices around me. I do what is right and what is good for me . If that sounds selfish I beg to differ, my reasoning being if I am well and happy I can make sure my family is too. 

Recently a friends wife passed away. They lived here in our little town, children all grown and family far away.  She had a heart attack early one morning and he was alone. His daughter somhow got a e pass to come for the funeral.  It was friends who rallied around and were there for him. His daughter told me she was taking him to her place once lockdown was over. He had some unfinished  construction work to do. She said loneliness would be hard on him. Earlier that day he had told us he would have to move, " my chapter here is over " was his words. Coping with grief, learning to do chores and have no one to share your thoughts with will be so difficult for him. I saw him a couple of days ago and found he had lost weight. His daughter checks in every day but I  think he will be better off with Family.  Yes, he will have to make changes. He will have to give up on some things but sacrifices are to be made both sides. The important thing is that he is with people who love and cherish him. They may have difference of opinion,  disagreements but they are family and as family they will love and support him no matter what.  

These last two years have been hard for us as a family.  We left what is familiar,  left what we controlled and moved to be handed rules we did not want to follow. We had to adjust to a new way and every step forward meant a tussle. Luckily I have a family that supports me and so they did what family does ,they smoothed the way, comforted and let me rant without criticising, or offering advice and I have slowly learnt to be a better person. I have my faults , there are no saints in my house but there are signs of peace and happiness.  

Life gives you enough mountains to climb without you adding to them. You need to be in some happy place so that the joy within you overflows. You can then share that joy. 

Lockdown has added to the strain but we can overcome. 

Care givers are overworked everywhere and I humbly accept I am not that kind of nurse but I will not let you go, I will not let you be alone in those last years of your life. I will love you as best I can and care for you the same way.

It is  a two way street and once the other person accepts that you are there to help and does not see you as a obstacle then life is sweeter. 

 You do not want to live with regrets and guilt. Family is all we have while we live .

Coffee and  I  have had some bittersweet moments but it is the first thing I need every morning.  

Nothing like making a cup ,and sitting in the moments before the rest of the world awakes and just recharging yourself for the day.

This year I tried some new world coffees. Ethiopian, Guatemalan ,but I always come back to the strong flavour of home. 

Home sweet home