Looking at life in lockdown

This year has not been easy on any of us. 

I dont think even the greatest minds forsaw  this pandemic. It has changed the world forever. Changed how we see people, changed our perceptions and given us an oppurtunity to redeem ourselves from the things we lost. 

While we did achieve success in bringing some families the time they needed to renew bonds , it has pushed the boundaries of mental health and the need to be able to support healthcare and elderly.

Taking a page out of my own life I found myself constantly  filled with anxiety. I was more aware of the fact that we had two older people  that needed constant reassurance of what was happening around them , to their loss of freedom and meeting with family or friends ,and the sudden death of a relative or friend made them scared and shaky. 

Of the many people I know who have been affected by the  Covid 19, many have already passed on. We do not choose how we die , either the manner or the way we go. We pray we are surrounded by those we love. Corona has robbed us of even that leaving people at the mercy of machine. Often isolated and very alone.

What was it about this pandemic that made us aware of how frail or short a life can be. 

We lost a lot of people along the way, some to covid 19 and many to other non respiratory problems,and because of lockdown proceedures in place we had to suffice with a phone conversation of condolence that means so little in comparison to that warm embrace, that touch of hand , that small moment of intimacy that makes the other person real. 

Just last week my father's younger brother passed away. We could not visit when he was in hospital nor go for the funeral. We got a link on Google meet that gave us a peek into the cemetery service. It saddened me immensely that we had to grieve in isolation.  

A few months ago the friend who's wife passed away early this year called me in the early morning to say he felt uneasy and could I call for an ambulance. 

Our little town has just one ambulance and I  don't think the service is good in that I called a number of times and my call was left unattended.  Realising when he spoke I felt he was having a heart attack I told my husband and son to get ready and go get him to the hospital. They brought him immediately,  he lives around  6 kilometres away from us . 

Anyway we found he had felt uneasy as early as four in the morning but felt it was impolite to call me so early. I am an early bird and am usually up by that time. He had to be taken to the plains as our hospital has just essential care. God's grace he made it through and though surgery is out of question  he is now with family.  

I later found that the ambulance service was not being used for non Covid cases and we had to get the hospital to send one up to take him down. 

His family were so upset that he had not said a word of how he was feeling but we heard that he was missing his wife and living on his own had added to the depression and stress of having to manage himself.  

He called me today and his voice no longer sounded feeble but strong and though he may be bored and not in his comfort zone I pray the time he spend with people he loves and who love him back will be medicine enough.

Life has a way of grouping us together like dissimilar parts, each one distinct from the other yet part of the main and as we struggle to hold together it is this bond  , this sense of family that makes us want to try and make it all work.

It's gotten colder here in the hills and winter is approaching faster than last year or the years before. It seems the year has gone by without much being achieved in terms of work and success.  As farmers we carry on , no pandemic can stop the harvest and though we have had difficulty in labour, we have carried on for hungry people need to eat and work to feed families. Countries   and leaders  did not give these people a chance. 

The season has been good , the rains ample and we look forward to a good season of coffee and pepper.

So as I close on my wondering I hope your life has been less stressful and been days of joy spent with Family . 

I remember reading my son a poem about family when he was a little boy of family being compared to a quilt ,of different colours and shapes. I would like to think my family is a quilt too , and it's the one that keeps me the warmest.

As, the words of the song goes "let's make a toast to the ones that we lost on the way" and hold on to those memories  . Raise your coffee cups high and Salut.

 

Family

I haven't been able to write for a while
So much has happened in such a small time and there has not been enough effort gone into seeking time out for oneself. Not when the scramble of other people and their problems eat into your own.
When I moved to town I was not looking for an easy way out, I did not have a clue that I would have to give up more than I bargained for....that every move forward was ten steps in all other directions that left me confused, irritable and more often than not depressed and dejected.

Caregivers are supposed to be people who are emotionally and mentally strong. They overcome every challenge and rise to the occasion unlike me who wanted to lock myself in a room or run as far away as I could, of course with no return. Running away was not a solution. Giving up was not either simply because we had made a decision to move together,  a decision that would impact us in ways we would not imagine.

While I write this today, it has  been three years since that first line. 

While thoughts ran haphazardly in my mind I was unable to string them into written words. 

In many ways I have learned to adapt and put up.The resentment and frustration is less and I am more at peace. I have stopped listening to the voices around me. I do what is right and what is good for me . If that sounds selfish I beg to differ, my reasoning being if I am well and happy I can make sure my family is too. 

Recently a friends wife passed away. They lived here in our little town, children all grown and family far away.  She had a heart attack early one morning and he was alone. His daughter somhow got a e pass to come for the funeral.  It was friends who rallied around and were there for him. His daughter told me she was taking him to her place once lockdown was over. He had some unfinished  construction work to do. She said loneliness would be hard on him. Earlier that day he had told us he would have to move, " my chapter here is over " was his words. Coping with grief, learning to do chores and have no one to share your thoughts with will be so difficult for him. I saw him a couple of days ago and found he had lost weight. His daughter checks in every day but I  think he will be better off with Family.  Yes, he will have to make changes. He will have to give up on some things but sacrifices are to be made both sides. The important thing is that he is with people who love and cherish him. They may have difference of opinion,  disagreements but they are family and as family they will love and support him no matter what.  

These last two years have been hard for us as a family.  We left what is familiar,  left what we controlled and moved to be handed rules we did not want to follow. We had to adjust to a new way and every step forward meant a tussle. Luckily I have a family that supports me and so they did what family does ,they smoothed the way, comforted and let me rant without criticising, or offering advice and I have slowly learnt to be a better person. I have my faults , there are no saints in my house but there are signs of peace and happiness.  

Life gives you enough mountains to climb without you adding to them. You need to be in some happy place so that the joy within you overflows. You can then share that joy. 

Lockdown has added to the strain but we can overcome. 

Care givers are overworked everywhere and I humbly accept I am not that kind of nurse but I will not let you go, I will not let you be alone in those last years of your life. I will love you as best I can and care for you the same way.

It is  a two way street and once the other person accepts that you are there to help and does not see you as a obstacle then life is sweeter. 

 You do not want to live with regrets and guilt. Family is all we have while we live .

Coffee and  I  have had some bittersweet moments but it is the first thing I need every morning.  

Nothing like making a cup ,and sitting in the moments before the rest of the world awakes and just recharging yourself for the day.

This year I tried some new world coffees. Ethiopian, Guatemalan ,but I always come back to the strong flavour of home. 

Home sweet home